By Greg Smalley
Whenever we experience loss, we become vulnerable to getting stuck in the grief process. We need to grieve to restore balance. A husband or wife can provide healing for a grieving spouse.
As we face the coronavirus pandemic, one hidden consequence is loss.
We all experience loss and we need to grieve loss. There are obvious losses, like the death of a loved one, a miscarriage, the loss of a job, divorce or the loss of a treasured object. But loss can also be inconspicuous: the loss of innocence, identity, joy, independence, social interaction, routine, hobbies and financial resources. The list doesn’t end there. Being denied the ability to travel, to eat out and to feel in control (even when that’s an illusion) are also losses.
“Empathy is seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another and feeling with the heart of another.” – Alfred Adler
One major area of loss that many people are facing is the loss of income: Some people have lost their job or had their work hours reduced. Investments are down, and medical costs are up. Over half — 54 per cent — of Americans “say they are not financially prepared to manage a contagious disease outbreak that requires quarantines and limits their ability to work for several weeks,” according to a recent survey of 2,000 U.S. adults.
All of these situations result in the loss of something valuable in our lives. Even if we have been able to anticipate the loss, it can still have a powerful effect on us. The scarcity of toilet paper, hand sanitiser, ground beef and other necessities creates fear and panic. Again, this creates an intangible loss of safety and security.
Whenever we experience loss, we suffer a blow and are thrown off balance. The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief is likely to be. We then become vulnerable to getting stuck in the grief process. Depression and anxiety can take over our lives. We need to grieve to restore balance. And this is where a husband or wife can provide healing and balance for a grieving spouse.
Empathise with your spouse’s pain as they grieve
Make your goal to care — at the deepest emotional level — how the coronavirus is affecting your spouse. Sympathy is when you feel bad for your spouse: “I’m so sorry that you lost your job.” Empathy is feeling bad with your spouse, connecting with your spouse’s broken heart: “I can only imagine how devastated and overwhelmed you must feel right now to have lost your job. I have no idea what to say but I’m so glad you told me. We’ll walk this out together.”
President Teddy Roosevelt is most commonly credited with first saying, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” Don’t allow your own fear and uncertainty to stand in the way of deeply connecting with your spouse’s pain. They need your “care” before they need your solutions. Avoid using phrases like “at least” as a way of placing a silver lining around the loss: “At least we have some savings.” or “At least you don’t have the coronavirus.” or “At least they gave you severance pay. You have plenty of time to find a new job.”
Resist the urge to problem-solve before you empathise with your spouse’s pain. Problem-solving or trying to fix the problem usually leads to relationship disconnect. Hearts, however, can be connected when you spend time caring and empathising with your spouse’s feelings during a loss.
Caring also means that you allow your spouse’s heart to hurt in a way that’s unique to him or her. Give your spouse a safe place to share their story and emotions. Be patient and accepting of their perspective and experience. It seldom helps to use phrases like “Maybe it was for the best” or “You’ll get over it in time.” Clichés usually reveal your own fear and insecurity. Besides, these words sound judgmental or marginalising, and your spouse will probably react negatively or shut down.
After experiencing a loss, some people become angry and need to verbalise their frustration. Avoid judging how your spouse might express his or her pain. Resist telling them how they should feel or what they should do. Don’t take your spouse’s feelings personally. However, it’s never OK for anyone to express their feelings at your expense. If that happens, gently say, “I love you and I really want to hear how you feel, but it can’t be at my expense. If you’re willing to do this differently, I’d love to listen and better understand how you’re feeling.”
At other times, people may shut down or go silent. If your spouse doesn’t want to talk about the loss, give him or her some space to internally process how they’re feeling. Let your spouse know that you care. You could say something like, “I would love to better understand what you’re going through and how you’re feeling. Let me know when you’re ready to talk.”
Help carry their burden
The Greek word for load means “cargo.” This is a “light” problem — like a backpack — and the individual must carry it. We’re fully capable of carrying our own load, and these personal burdens cannot be transferred or shifted to someone else.
The Greek word for burden means something that is “heavy” or is too much for one person to bear alone. Whereas a load is like a backpack, a burden is like trying to carry a huge steamer trunk on your shoulders.
We shouldn’t allow a person to be crushed under the excessive weight of their burdens. We should help our spouse when they’re going through something too big to bear. Practically, this may look like taking on his or her household chores or child care responsibilities, giving him or her plenty of grace and extra patience, running interference with well-meaning people who want to visit or hear about what happened, or encouraging him or her to spend extra time with a hobby or good friend. If you’re not sure how to assist your spouse during the grieving process, ask, “As you’re grieving the loss of your job, how can I best support you?”
Another part of carrying someone’s burden is to encourage professional help. A licensed counsellor that specialises in grief, trauma or major life transitions can be incredibly helpful in the grieving process.
© 2020 Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. Originally published on FocusOnTheFamily.com.