by Beth J. Lueders

Though affairs are often unpredictable, there are recognisable symptoms of a troubled marriage.

Elena discovered that her husband wasn’t just shopping online all those late nights on the computer.

Steve just happened to see his wife kissing the fitness instructor in the gym’s parking lot.

Most extramarital affairs do not start out with candid revelations: “my husband is out of town” or “my wife won’t suspect a thing.” Generally, something has gone awry in marriage before a dissatisfied spouse utters these seductive lines.

The following are factors that can lead to marital unfaithfulness:

• Looking for ego boosts outside your marriage. Men tend to turn to extramarital liaisons to build up their self-image or sexual self-esteem. Women are suspect to affairs to satisfy their longing for love, appreciation and tenderness. Beware of leaning on others beyond your marriage as primary sources for love, value and respect.
• Neglecting to talk openly with each other. If you only talk to your spouse about the bills and household chores, you may be sliding into trouble. Holding in your thoughts and feelings does not enhance transparency in your relationship. Practice the art of small talk that can open the door to deeper sharing.
• Resisting conflict resolution. Every couple runs into communication rough spots. It’s important not to build walls between you and your spouse. Some people mask their hurt while others spew their emotions. Neither method is constructive. Both ways create relational roadblocks. Unresolved conflict leads to isolation and leaves you vulnerable to fleeing your marriage.
• Discounting fun and relaxation together. Think of the last time you and your spouse enjoyed a date or a weekend getaway together. As the old adage says, “Couples that play together, stay together.” If career, family and homes responsibilities are crowding out laughter and friendship with your spouse, you need to book in some recreational retreats with each other.
• Increasing the time you spend apart. The demands of work travel, ill children or differing interests and hobbies are common issues that can keep couples apart. The more time you spend away from your spouse, the greater temptation to drift in your relationship.
• Allowing daily stresses and fatigue to sabotage your intimacy. Packed schedules and raising children are two common reasons husbands and wives feel dull or weary in their relational intimacy. Romance, in an instant, can remind you of the reasons you love each other. All marriages require times of refreshing and an in-depth look at intimacy saboteurs.
• Letting your love life fizzle instead of sizzle. Familiarity and boredom can creep into any marriage. Beware of shaking things up in your sex life by dumping your spouse for another more promising lover. If you or your partner suddenly is disinterested in sex with each other, be sure to explore the true reasons.
• Giving in to predictability. A little mystery can go a long way in adding spice to your marriage. Many couples succumb to affairs out of fading interest in their spouses. One way to continue your wedded bliss is to surprise your spouse with love notes or an occasional unexpected outing or gift.
• Living in denial. Pretending that problems do not exist in your marriage will only widen the gap between you and your spouse. Many extramarital affairs start when a frustrated spouse searches for a reality check in marriage by turning to a co-worker or friend of the opposite sex for support. Dare to face the truth of your marital struggles.
• Forgetting your commitment to each other. Over time couples are prone to forget why they fell in love. In our easy-come-easy-go culture, it takes courage and determination to honour commitment instead of convenience.
• Failing to resist come-ons and temptations. In our over-sexed world, even the most innocent husband or wife can fall prey to sexual temptations. Before you or your spouse find yourself in compromising situations, talk about safeguards for your marriage. You may need to avoid after-work rendezvous, certain hotels on business trips and sexually compromising magazines, movies or the media. Thinking “Just this once,” can lead to a lifetime of regret.

Many factors can drive a marriage to the rocks. Help ensure an enriching relationship for a lifetime by taking steps today to guard the fidelity of your marriage.

One of the best recommendations for troubled marriages is enlisting the help of a counsellor.  Often, involving a third party — especially one who’s trained to counsel — can force root issues out into the open and guide you and your spouse on the road to healing.

Copyright © 2005 Beth J. Lueders, bethlueders.com. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.