Q: Should I tell my husband that I’m attracted to his closest buddy? I’ve heard that kind of information should be shared between spouses for purposes of accountability, but I’m not sure that’d be wise. Neither man has any clue of my struggle and I don’t want to jeopardise their relationship.
A: Accountability is one thing, but it’s something else to burden your spouse with every wayward thought and questionable impulse that passes through your mind. Each of us has to deal with our share of “internal garbage.” That doesn’t mean that we need to dump it on the people around us.
Being honest with your spouse – in the sense of telling the truth – isn’t the same thing as revealing every feeling you’ve ever had. Yes, couples should be frank and open with each other. But in the name of openness and accountability, some people give their spouses too much information about past and present actions and thoughts. Detail and timing are always crucial considerations. Silence isn’t necessarily dishonest – in fact, sometimes the loving thing to do is to keep your mouth shut.
This is particularly true in a case like yours. If your inappropriate emotions ever do find expression in inappropriate words and actions – and we hope this never happens – that will be the time for accountability, remorse, and confession. Until then, you’re better off keeping this matter to yourself.
Meanwhile, say and do only what you believe to be in the best interests of your husband, his friend, and your marriage.
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