Q&A: Initiating lovemaking with my spouse

Question:

Is it appropriate for wives to initiate sex and to take the lead on occasion when it comes to lovemaking? My husband and I enjoy a fulfilling and satisfying sex life, but that’s one thing I’ve wondered about. I guess I’ve always felt that should be the man’s place. There are times when I desire physical intimacy, but I have doubts about whether it’s right for me to get things started. Do you think this is okay?

Answer: We think we can safely answer for most husbands out there with an enthusiastic “Yes!” But personal interests aside, in a healthy marriage, both partners should have the liberty to be honest and authentic with each other. This includes the freedom to express feelings and desires, sexual and otherwise, in open, transparent, and non-manipulative ways.

That being the case, you can rest assured it’s good, healthy, right, proper, and appropriate for both marriage partners to take an active role in initiating sexual relations. This will vary according to circumstances and each spouse’s mood, feelings, and desires. Here, if anywhere, a couple’s relationship should be characterised by the give-and-take of a dance. The most important thing is to maintain the kind of mutual affection and respect that enables you to be open and honest with one another.

Among other things, this means taking the time to talk about sex outside the bedroom. Remember that in marital sex the two of you are co-creating something that is radically exclusive and uniquely your own. It’s a painting, a tapestry, a work of art that requires active input from both parties. It’s all about you and your spouse becoming who you want to be together. So be creative, set yourself free, and use your imagination.

Tags: family-qa, marriage, spouse
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