Question:

My ex-husband and I divorced several years ago. Since that time, he has turned his life around. As a result, we’ve been dating again and I have a feeling he’s going to “pop the question” on New Year’s Eve. Do you think remarriage is a good idea in this case?

Answer: In a day when divorce is rampant and reconciliation is rare, a story like yours is amazing. And so, yes, we do think that remarriage is a good idea—provided you can avoid the problems that led to your divorce in the first place.

You say your ex-husband has “turned his life around,” which suggests that the divorce was primarily the result of his bad behaviour. It’s wonderful to hear that his attitudes have been transformed, but this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t proceed with caution. Change can be a slow process. In light of your history, it’s important to make sure that you’ve seen concrete evidence of your husband’s changed heart over time before you jump back into marriage. Don’t set a timeline for moving forward until you’re sufficiently reassured on this point.

Also, take a look at your own heart and motivations, and consider the role you may have played, however small, in the divorce. Have you sufficiently dealt with those issues? In addition, if you have children, they’ve already been impacted by your divorce, and you certainly don’t want to make matters worse by remarrying and then splitting up again if things don’t work out.

What you need most right now is the help and guidance of an experienced marriage counsellor. He or she can help you both fully explore whether you’re ready for remarriage and help you determine the best course of action. Try to find a counsellor who is familiar with a relationship tool called “PREPARE/ENRICH.” This test will help you and your ex-husband identify any lingering issues that you may need to address before moving ahead.

Contact our Family Support Services at 03-3310 0792 or write to support@family.org.my for a referral to a certified Prepare/Enrich Facilitator.

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