Q&A: Resolving conflict with an experiment

Question:

What can I do when my spouse avoids conflict and seems to want “peace at any price”? Unresolved issues are boiling beneath the surface, and we’re growing apart. How can I turn things around before it’s too late?

Answer: If handled correctly, conflict can be a pathway to deeper intimacy in your marriage. Disagreements about money, career, childrearing, sex, and in-laws can typically be traced to one underlying issue: fear. At some point, all of us are gripped by the fear of inadequacy, rejection, powerlessness, and so on. The cure for these fears can be found in intimacy, validation, love, and connection—qualities that are essential to any marriage.

With that in mind, we suggest that you ask your spouse to try an experiment with you. It will take just twenty minutes once or twice a week. During the first ten minutes, one of you will talk about issues that are bothering you. The other will agree to listen without argument or debate. The only response allowed is to ask for clarification. During the second ten minutes, the other spouse will talk. Again, a request for clarification is the only response permitted.

At the end of the twenty minutes take a time-out from each other. Reflect on what your spouse has said. Does it help you understand some of the reasons for his or her feelings? Chances are, this experiment will help you both better understand the underlying issues that are causing strain in your marriage.

If your spouse remains intent on avoiding conflict, seek assistance from a counsellor who can help you gain perspective on what’s happening. Please do not hesitate to call our Family Support Services at 03-3310 0792 or write to support@family.org.my.

Tags: communication, conflict, intentionality, marriage, marriage-issues
Family Q&A, Married

MARRIAGE

For Those Thinking Suicidal Thoughts During the Coronavirus Outbreak

If you’re having suicidal thoughts because of coronavirus fears, help is available.

Pornography Addicts Might Be Avoiding True Intimacy

Pornography can be an unhealthy substitution for sex with one’s spouse, but often it’s a symptom of a deeper issue and a way to cope with unresolved pain. The user may be avoiding true intimacy.

Date Night: Couples That Play Together, Stay Together

Want to know the secret to making date night exciting again? No, it’s not more hours in the day and no, you don’t have to break your bank. Take 3 practical steps to add fun and play into your date night mix.

PARENTING

Understanding The Nature Of Children

Are you able to tell us your infant child’s personality? Researches have found three types of temperaments that can help us understand the nature of children.