RECORDED PROGRAMMES - MARRIAGE EPISODE

Marriage Matters

Hear from marriage experts Dr Greg and Erin Smalley on how to stay strong during a crisis.

Marriage Matters During Covid-19 was presented on Facebook Live by Focus on the Family Asia on 15 May 2020. Dr Greg Smalley is the Vice President of Marriage at Focus on the Family US, while his wife Erin Smalley serves as the strategic marriage spokesperson for Focus on the Family’s Marriage Ministry.

Time	Programme
00:00:39	Welcome and Introduction of Speakers
00:06:29	What would you miss about being quarantined?
00:08:34	What would you not miss about being quarantined?
00:13:55	What do you miss doing together as a couple?
00:16:26	What behaviours or habits do you want to continue after this time of quarantine?
00:22:55	What responsibilities need to be shifted or re-evaluated after this quarantine?
00:30:37	Live Q&A session I love it that my husband works from home. No long commutes, more time with him. But when quarantine is lifted, he will be back to office, work demands go insane, long commutes. How can I start the conversation when I what is about to happen? My spouse hates changes. She had a difficult time adapting to the quarantine lifestyle. How can I guide her to a smoother transition once the quarantine is over? How do you manage if the spouse gives a cold treatment? How do we start conversation again? How would you advise couples who are at separate places to still be close even though they are at different work locations? If I am looking forward to returning to the office after quarantine, because it keeps me sane between work and home (with my spouse), does that mean something is wrong with my relationship at home? We have reached a better place in our marriage now, and things which we have done the past still affect and hurt. My husband tends to talk and says he needs time to be okay again and I can accept that. I pushed through and didn’t talk about my feelings, because things are bad at that time. But now it’s hard to get over what I silently endured. How do we move past this hurt?
00:55:50	Final announcements

Time Markers Hide

Q&A

We hear a lot that we are supposed to serve our spouse in sex. But, that is only half the story. In your book Reconnected, you talk about God’s design for sex and how sex is not just about serving your spouse. What is the other half of the story?

Sex is about mutual enjoyment. When one spouse makes sex simply about serving their spouse, they miss out on the amazing gift that God’s given to BOTH. God created both bodies to enjoy sex and He wants you to include your own pleasure and enjoyment as part of the sexual experience. If one spouse is left out or deprioritised because he/she is focusing exclusively on the other spouse, the couple won’t connect at the deepest level of intimacy. Focusing on your spouse is noble but don’t do it to the exclusion of you — BOTH need to matter.

What triggers sexual inactivity in marriage?

Many things… for example, conflict, exhaustion, hormones, stress, seasons of life, addiction, porn. It’s important to have an ongoing conversation about this because usually we try to figure this out and end up drawing conclusions that may be inaccurate. It is difficult for most couples to have an ongoing conversation about their sex lives — because most of use didn’t grow up talking about sex openly. Worth starting the conversation.

What should we do if there is a mismatch in the desire for sex?

Again, have an honest conversation to discuss underlying feelings that are triggered as a result of mismatch. One spouse may be feeling rejected or not good enough — while the other one may be left feeling devalued, used or something very different. Connect heart to heart and then set off together on working toward a win/win — what feels good to both of us? One of our favorite quotes by John and Stasi Eldredge about sex, “Do it often in a way that feels good to both of you.”

What practical things can spouse's do to resurrect their sex life?

Make it a priority! Sex is a gift that God gives us specifically for marriage. It’s not just to procreate… but also to have fun and enjoy one another. Start with having a conversation about your desire to resurrect this area of your marriage. It may begin with a deeper heart connection and lead to more intimacy. Talk with your spouse openly — some couples may schedule sex/others prefer a more spontaneous schedule. However, what’s important is that you are openly connecting both on an emotional level as well a practical sense — with what do we do now. Keep working on it together! Your sex life is worth pursuing as husband and wife!

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