“We must make a choice regarding sexual expression.  We will either utilise it as a deviant, destructive power or we will harness its potential to keep love alive and vibrant in our marriage relationships” – Bill and Pam Farrel, Red-Hot Monogamy

Talk About Sex

No matter what the sexual differences are between you and your spouse, the first step to connecting well sexually is to do so verbally.  Sometimes discussing your sexual needs during intimacy can evoke feelings of shame or embarrassment, so it’s often a good idea to wait and discuss your needs outside the bedroom.

Once you’ve established a healthy pattern of communication, conversation can contribute to the sexual experience.  You and your spouse can connect physically and build emotional intimacy as well. Talking about love and desire with your spouse will build a safe, satisfying experience for both partners before, during and after sexual intercourse.

Planning Intimacy

Sometimes good sex just doesn’t take place naturally.  Or perhaps you and your spouse want to discover greater love, passion and intimacy in your marriage. When either situation occurs, set aside time to identify your differing needs.  Then negotiate a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. To begin, describe how you’d like your sexual relationship to be. Here are some questions to answer:

• How often would you like physical contact?
• What kind of contact should it be?
• Who should initiate it?
• What preparation would be important?
• What time of day is best?
• How long should your times last?
• What activities would be included?

Add anything else the two of you would like to include in your plan for sexual intimacy.

Negotiating a sexual relationship may seem like a cold approach.  But you’ll be surprised how much warmth can be sparked when two people feel that their sexual needs are heard and respected and a plan for those needs is instituted.

This article is excerpted from the following and is used by permission:

• The Way to Love Your Wife, Dr Clifford Penner and Joyce Penner.
• Complete Guide to The First Five Years of Marriage, by Wilford Wooten and Phillip J. Swihard © 2006 Tyndale House Publishers Inc.